i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
