the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Randomize
