i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
