Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
