if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
