Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
