Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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