3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
