My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Randomize
