im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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