I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
