ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
