You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
