Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
