I accidentally had phone sex last night
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
