i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
