idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
