Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
