i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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