It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
