I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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