the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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