my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
