My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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