girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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