Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
