Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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