i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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