I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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