Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
