wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
My penis needs a shock collar
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
