i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
