My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
