I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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