Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
