and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
