I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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