Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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