Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
