i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
