I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
