Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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