I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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