i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
