thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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