Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
