Your dad touched me again.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
