party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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