Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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