A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
And then he peed in my hair
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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