So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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